Happy Fourth of July

4 07 2007

‘Tis Independence Day, my good fellows. Four score and seventeen years ago, our four fathers were fighting over which one was the real daddy. One of them started getting up in the other’s grill and before you know it, somebody done showed up and offered them four heads on Mount Rushmore, to which they gladly obliged.

All gross distortions of historical record aside, it’s a time to celebrate the origins of our country by watching explosives light up the evening sky.  It’s time to celebrate the various freedoms we enjoy. And, also a time to taunt your British cohorts, if you have them. (“You see those fireworks? How do you like them apples?”) So go forth and doo eet. Oh, and I was just thinking about some of the various freedoms we enjoy in the United States, so I included a few here, just to refresh your memory:

  • The freedom to laugh at the British
  • The freedom to go to the dentist
  • The freedom to eat hot dogs while dressed as a bunny
  • The freedom to kick arse (figuratively only)
  • The freedom to dance the Charleston
  • The freedom to talk about high colonics on your cell phone while in a general public space
  • The freedom to “fart in your general direction”
  • The freedom to go on whatever fad diet suits your fancy
  • The freedom to give someone the bird while driving
  • The freedom to have one of those obnoxious “honor roll” bumper stickers, whether it’s true or not
  • The freedom to have many cats (if you can care for them, and that’s a big “if”)
  • The freedom to purchase and use items shaped like SpongeBob SquarePants
  • The freedom to dress as a gorilla for no apparent reason
  • The freedom to walk up to someone and announce that you “like their style,” complete with the whole two-finger double barrel thing
  • The freedom to purchase jelly beans that taste like everything from papayas to Moo Goo Gai Pan
  • The freedom to eat a really smelly, aromatic lunch at your desk at work
  • The freedom to write silly things in your blog comparing Babar to a colonialist diatribe

On that note, have star-spangled day, my dear unseen reader.



7 responses

4 07 2007
Matt Adams

Wow, that’s a lot of vitriol against the British. While I appreciate our independence, we should also remember that the Brits are now our friends…as witnessed by the gift they’ve given us recently. The Spice Girls are back together and planning to tour.

Really, if anyone is to be held up for mockery, it’s those dodgy Canadians. They still have the Queen on their money! I suggest they switch it to having Queen on their money. Freddie on the one, Brian on the five, Roger on the twenty, the band logo on the fifty, and John on the hundred. That way everybody’s happy, and Canadian money would be worth something. ^_^

*grumble* Getting married at a Tim Horton’s…

May you have an Ameri-can-tastic day yourself, o dear unseen author!

5 07 2007

Is that really a gift? 🙂

I suppose it’s time we gave those Canucks a good ripping. But I dunno, I kind of like them. Even that goofy way they talk and that whole Harveys and Tim Hortons deal-io and their fascination with hockey. It’s also kind of charming how they put up with crappy weather. Same thing for Minnesotans and Michigonians. I like a little adversity. Makes you stronger.

Who got married at a Tim Hortons? Sorry, it’s probably some pop culture reference that’s going over my head.

Yay America! North America, South America and Middle America. Feel the America love.

5 07 2007

By the way, what’s the deal with Curling anyway? That sport is so crazy. It’s like Hockey meets the Flintstones.

5 07 2007

Did I mention that Wisconsinites put up with a lot of crappy weather? They are to be commended. There are other states too, states that I will not name here. Especially not Iowa.

5 07 2007
Matt Adams

Why, you’ve never heard of the legend of Canadian women including Tim Horton’s in their most special of days? I gotta say, I admire a relationship that’s so rock-solid that the happy couple can spend the reception two-fisting donuts. Sure, they’ll never fit into the wedding gown/tux again, but happiness is about being together (and pounding fried cakes).

BTW…”Michigonians”? Michigander FTW.

During the last Winter Olympics, Curling was the only event I watched. America took the Bronze! ^_^ I’m pretty sure that the only other major sport that uses brooms as equipment is Quidditch.

You know who else puts up with crappy weather? Floridians. And I’m not commending THEM for JACK. It’s a long story. I’ve found that there are two general kinds of Iowans; the well-meaning kind and the actually-insane kind. I’ve yet to encounter a subtle shade of grey in my relations with the Iowan people. ^_^

6 07 2007

If someone says they’re from Canada, I get this weird visceral reaction. It’s hard to explain. This only confirms that.

Is there a Michigoose as well?

Indeed, I would hesitate to live in FLA without really good insurance. I also get a visceral reaction about this state. But it’s kind of nice how they serve orange juice at the state line with Georgia. Thanks, tourism board! And I appreciate the Spanish architecture and the sunny feelings of warmth and beachiness and palm trees associated with it. I dunno, I need more trips to see. And hold on to that long story…

6 07 2007
Matt Adams

Is there a Michigoose as well?

*gasp!* Such questions! ^_~

I dunno, I need more trips to see.

While I’m holding the long story, I will say that Florida (or at least Universal Studios) is making fledgling attempts to attract my interest. “The Wizarding World of Harry Potter” has caught mine eye, and if Disney ever opens a Kingdom Hearts area, I’m on the next flight out.

Wait. Is the free OJ with or without pulp? ^_^

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