Smile

12 07 2007

Wow, today was … pleasant! Imagine that. I walked out the door and birds were singing. It was sort of like “It’s a Small World” without the insano-dolls, annoying music and boat ride. I got on the train, and it was surprisingly devoid of craziness. And then I went to work and it was pleasant. Just very, very pleasant. Smile.

You won’t find me waiting in line to see Harry Potter at midnight. But I wish those that do so the best of luck, and I hope something crazy and nonviolent happens to make the evening more fun. Like what, I don’t know.

One thing I thought I would touch on, since it’s a quiet day, is the popularity of that “I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?” site, which is consistently trading top positions with more serious blogs in my top blogs list on my dashboard. This site features cats (“lolcats”) with amusing somesense/nonsense captions placed on the images. Look, I can’t just sit around and let this opportunity pass me by. I gotta get me some o’ deez hits…. thinking…. thinking…. ideas?

  • I CAN HAS HAMMBURGER!
  • I CAN’T HAS CHEEZBURGER?
  • iCan have cheeseburgr?
  • YOU CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER!
  • I CAN SPELL CHEESEBURGER!
  • I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER WITH EXTRA MAYO?
  • I CAN GET HEART ATTACK FROM TOO MANY CHEEZBURGERS
  • I CAN EXERCISE LIKE RONALD MCDONALD AND EAT CHEEZBURGER!

By the way, it sometimes amuses me that all the McDonalds food now has a picture of an exercising and fit Ronald McDonald on it. You gotta admit, he looks good. I mean *good* …. drool. Back to regularly scheduled programming.

  • I CAN SPAZZ CHEEZBURGER?
  • I CAN HAS VENTI NONFAT NO-WHIP MOCHA?




Wackiness timeline

7 07 2007

So today was pretty wacky, man. Let’s go over the timeline here:

08:30 — awaken from slumber in the morning. As in por la manyana. Something ain’t right about this. Proceed to dink around on the Internet and read Canadian advice columns. That they are Canadian is merely coincidental, but it does hold my attention a bit longer.

09:30 — discover fairly large and apparently dead frog on steps to apartment. This is not a typical thing to see. I’m not sure if it was a pet or something that lives in one of the trees or what. We do have a lot of cats roaming around and they might have found some prey. It was a pretty sad sight, actually. As I’m looking at it, a maintenance man drives by and says, “It’s dead. We just found it there. It looks like a frog.” I can see that everyone else who walks by it is stopping to examine the body. I wasn’t sure whether I should call the frog police or what. I just left it there. It’s gone now.

12:30 — finally start doing laundry. Proceed to drop various items of clothing at inopportune times.

5:30 — finish laundry. Attempt to head downtown to complete errands. This proves futile.

17:00 — Mud pie at Dairy Queen and then a smoothie from Orange Julius. Odd conversation with the Julius guy, who announces to me and two other guys near me, “It’s getting hot in here! So buy a smoothie!” And I’m like, huh? And he’s like, “You know Nelly, who sings ‘It’s getting hot in here?’ You know that song? He wasn’t singing about girls, he was singing about smoothies!” And then he proceeds to sing the song. Meanwhile, there is a convention for the blind going on, and there are blind people EVERYWHERE. I almost trip over their guide polls, they almost trip over each other and the guide dogs make new friends. Look, I don’t want to make light of blind people and disability, but it was getting a little chaotic in there. So then I see this guy walk straight into a bench, which shifts position like two feet, and then he grabs his knee in pain. I thought it was a blind guy at first, but he was actually sighted, and I started to chuckle, but I quickly switched to an uber-fake cough. And he’s like, “You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?” And I’m like, “No, I’m not *giggle* I’m not laughing you *giggle*” And then I tried to pretend like I wasn’t laughing some more and finally I looked away and pretended to be laughing at something else, like the, uh, blind people over there… umm…. never mind.

18:30 — attempt to head down Ponce de Leon to a museum exhibit. Fail miserably and end up visiting some nice parks and bike paths and thinking to myself, “That would be a great place to stash a body.” Hitch a bus eastward to Avondale station (in/near Decatur, an eastern suburb) and ride the train westbound back into Atlanta proper.

21:00 — I am on a train and I see a clown. He is scary because he is only half of a clown really. He evokes the “uncanny valley” effect by being mostly human, but also being slightly “off.” (FYI for those who are not familiar: The uncanny valley is a theory that objects have certain thresholds for humanness in which they are more and less positively perceived. The chart shows neutral or even more positive reception when dealing with healthy humans and robots like R2-D2 that are obviously not human, but have positive human traits. Most negatively perceived are corpses and other things that are kind of human, but not quite. This “valley” of perception ratings is the “uncanny valley” if you draw it out as a line chart. Well sort of. You get the idea. Those faceless people in “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” and the zombies from “Silent Hill” video games come to mind…) So this clown has a greasy ponytail, smeared pink (grease?) makeup all over his face (it’s hard to take off such makeup without a concerted effort not to smear it into a mess, as I recall from my limited experience as a mime), white/red striped overalls and a plain T-shirt. He looks like a normal human dressed up in messed-up clown’s clothes. People were visibly creeped out on the train.

Sometime later in the evening: I’m on the train and a father is teasing his kids by making them guess what MARTA stands for. Winner gets a dollar. I want to yell out METROPOLITAN ATLANTA REGIONAL TRANSIT AUTHORITY, but alas, he warns the kids not to ask me or they’ll be disqualified. I start to laugh mainly out of tension and frustration. The kids were really struggling. “Main area!” “Is this Spanish?” “Main Atlanta!” And so on, so forth. They’re going to be in the funny farm by the end of the weeklong trip. They’re too young to figure this out without asking someone. My guess is they’ll find a way to ask somebody. They were trying the newspaper, which is a good start, what with MARTA being in the news for accidentally marking July as having 30 days instead of 31 (for monthly passes) — of course, it should be noted that cards will work for the 31st day anyway. But the bottom line is, even I almost was going insane, and I knew the answer. Maybe it’s because I knew the answer. One of the kids was like, “I’m going to go nuts if I don’t get the answer!” And then, while he was walking out of the train, the dad whispered to me, “I think my dollar is safe!”





Bullet points

30 06 2007

Those of you who hang with me in other online locale(s) know that I used to have an occasional (friends-locked) entry known as the “bullet points” rundown. When I worked Monday through Friday, these would usually be done on Thursday nights as a sort of celebration of the end of the week. When I started working on a different schedule, the whole concept of writing an entry on Wednesday night didn’t really strike me. But you know, those were some tasty entries. I thought I would try a more populist version of that here. Here’s how it works: We sum up the events of the week in a vaguely humorous fashion. So… without further adieu…

* By now, it’s no secret that change is in the air at my workplace. Let’s just get that elephant out of the room…
* The thing about elephants is, they never forget. Especially Babar, the charming elephantine French storybook character from France.
* But wait… from Wikipedia comes a buzzkill out of the blue: “Underneath they could be seen as a justification for colonialism, with the benefits of French civilisation being visited on the rustic African elephant kingdom.”
* In the previous bullet, “they” refers either to the storybooks or to weasels.
* Anybody for a game of Mad Libs? I love that game. You know there’s certain words you can stick in there that are guaranteed to be goofy.
* I know what words of which YOU are thinking, but I’m thinking of words like “weasel.”
* I think my next entry will be done Mad Libs style… yes.
* Is Babar really a justification for colonialism? Let’s dissect this story: So this one king “accidentally” eats poisoned mushrooms, at which point Babar the France-Loving Elephant takes over as King and decides to impose his love of French culture on the people. He even throws out their Freedom Fries and renames them French Fries. Then, he brings some old lady to hang with him. Meanwhile, he’s established an autocratic rule over the populace that is TOTALLY INDEPENDENT OF ANY ELECTED BODY. The Wikepedia notes that, “Besides his Westernizing policies, Babar engages in warfare with the warlike rhinoceroses.” Uh oh.
* Well you know, he kinda did colonialize the joint, especially with the whole French Fries thing. On the other hand, we could be totally reading too much into this. Hard to say.
* By the way, I did mention that this would be a Populist entry. Therefore, I must decry the gold standard. Excuse me for a moment…
* S-I-L-V-E-R! Get some of this and be a star! S-I-L-V-E-R! This time, gold has gone too far!
* Along the lines of the whole Babar thing, remember how the Cowardly Lion in the Wizard of Oz is William Jennings Bryan and the whole party of goofballs is taking a yellow brick road that represents treacherous gold so they can go ask the president, er, wizard, in the Emerald City, which is actually the White House, about how they can fix stuff? And then Dorothy’s silver slippers are the answer? Only they kind of got changed to ruby slippers, which kind of messes up the whole thing? Of course you don’t! So never mind!
* Enough of this nonsense. My point is, Babar is out of the room and we can stop worrying about work and let him get back to eating his French Fries.

Aargh, sidetracked again. Maybe some other time!