OR: BUSTA X-MAS RHYME, YO!
Nerditor’s note: This is an unauthorized, potentially troublesome parody of “The Night Before Christmas” that you can read and love in its original format. What you’re about to read is a twisted, nasty, naughty, weird version of the traditional feel-good holiday poem with a little modern techie spin. I originally posted it on Twitter in 140-character-ish spurts. Some parts were omitted for brevity and to prevent mass-unfollowing from taking place, and so that I could finish by midnight ET for all my peeps on the Atlantic side of things. This is the uncut, unaltered, un-neutered, uncircumcised, mano a mano version of the parody. Enjoy.
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Every keyboard was stirring, each mouse in the house;
We updated our facebook stati with care
In the hopes that likes and comments soon would be there.
The children wore snuggies pulled over their heads
But the copyright folks said to call it a ‘sleeved blanket’ instead.
Pa in his wayfarers and ma in her Uggs
Could not get to sleep without aid from drugs;
When all of a sudden, snow fell and the cold grew bitter;
I decided to post photos and update my Twitter!
But first, Windows told me to update my Flash,
Had to restart my system and empty my trash;
Lawnchairs, grills, flamingoes covered in snow
Gave warning that Jack Frost wanted to nibble my toe;
When what to my wandering eyes did appear
But a schmaltzy TV pitchman and eight robotic reindeer;
He wore a funny hat, his personality lively and quick
I asked him his name, he said it was Nick!
More rapid than eagles, Nick’s sales pitches came
And he whistled, and shouted, the robotic reindeer names!
“Now, Crasher! now, Necromancer! now, Hacker and Stricken!”
“On, Grommit! on Blooper! on, Blunder and Chicken!”
So up to the house-top the robots they flew,
With geeky griffin-like wings of metal, and Nick, too.
Then, in a ring-a-ling-a-ling, I knew a text had come.
Felt jolly buzzing in my pocket, so I typed with my thumb.
I’d asked, “Yo Santa, wat r u gonad bridge me?”
“Hot hoo hoo,” went another typo-ridden T-X-T.
CUT: [[[ Let’s skip lengthy description of Nick’s jelly belly —
The rosy cheeks, smoky wreaths, reindeer breath so smelly … ]]]
He stayed pretty chill though ash covered his suit and loot;
This North Pole pro’s hair was perfectly coiffed to boot!
A plethora of thingies he had stuffed in his sack,
And he looked like — was — a peddler opening his pack.
His CrackBerry — how it twinkled! his iPod how merry!
The LED’s were like blinking roses, iPhone case like a cherry!
His troll-like mouth was drawn up like a bow,
His ears pointy and Spock-ish and all logical, you know.
He wouldn’t stop smoking despite pleas to the contrary,
And just kept puffing away so much that it was scary.
He had a cute little face and a clear-cut beer belly,
Like a pregnant man with a dude-womb full of jelly.
He was stocky and big-boned, which is code for “chubby,”
But I wouldn’t say he was quite on par with a Teletubbie.
With twist of the radio dial and a pounce on his touchpad,
He chuckled a bit at the gumption of those yo-yos at NORAD.
[[[END CUT]]]
The Northern sales-lad worked quietly to not be a jerk,
Giving free samples of things we don’t need — such a perk!
I shuddered when he put his finger in proximity to his nose
Fearing he might be in H1N1’s throes.
As he veered for the chimney, I missed him like whoa,
But I knew he had peeps to see, places to go.
With the sound system cranked up, the sleigh flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all,” he said, “Cuz this Saint Nick’s jammin’ tonight!”
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